December 21, 2011

mother of a mother

So, do I have fear of commitment -- even with my donor sperm?!

So, I have 3 vials each of super-sperm from donors A & B.  When I was thinking of buying only A, I had the increasingly well-defined "fear of commitment" feeling -- the, oh my gosh, I'll be alone with and stuck with this decision (or person), and then it will be just us, and then what if I don't want it anymore?  I can always pick again, right?  Well, there are certain things you can't trade in for a fresh, new model.  There is some slippery, scary ground between longing fantasy and irreversible fact that feels like passing through an open, echoing chasm of darkness & doubt.  Well, I wouldn't know about the "passing through" part, as I'm a "childless never-married."  Man, I can't wait to change that first part at least!

So, after the interviews, A was my first choice; after the "baby" pictures, I wasn't as sure, but B was awfully cute.  So, I compromised with half-A & half-B, but why?  Because all-A was too much of a commitment!  Now, there's still uncertainty (besides the over-arching chances of conception in the first place -- maybe I'm distracting myself from this?) in who the lucky swimmer will belong to.  It shook me a bit when, after my purchase, my mother finally got her eyes on the pics and had a gut preference for A.  Really, A?  But everyone (actually 3 people) were glowing about the cuteness of B!

The certainty of my mother's gut has been a comfort to many people, including me, but I'm doubting my choice, which is an uncomfortable spot to be in.  I have the reassuring arguments on the tip of my tongue, but I can handle this discomfort.  Apparently, the road ahead will be levels of discomfort not yet known to me -- maybe like being hungover on a daily basis?  I am not deterred.  The only person I have no concerns about commitment to is my as-of-yet hypothetical offspring, even if I have doubts about the source of half his/her DNA!


  1. I couldn't even get my mother to look at the baby pics of the donor I selected. I guess in a way, I'm lucky that she's leaving me to make the decision without her opinion influencing me, but I'm a bit jealous of the interest your mother is showing. That said, ultimately, it's your baby, your decision..... & there is no right or wrong. You'll love your baby no matter which donor's sperm does the job. (& so will your mother).

  2. I feel you! We committed to 6 vials of one donor and now I'm worried that the donor won't work and if I had only chosen 3 vials I could have moved on to another donor for the next three. Oh well. Good luck with all of it!