So, do I have fear of commitment -- even with my donor sperm?!
So, I have 3 vials each of super-sperm from donors A & B. When I was thinking of buying only A, I had the increasingly well-defined "fear of commitment" feeling -- the, oh my gosh, I'll be alone with and stuck with this decision (or person), and then it will be just us, and then what if I don't want it anymore? I can always pick again, right? Well, there are certain things you can't trade in for a fresh, new model. There is some slippery, scary ground between longing fantasy and irreversible fact that feels like passing through an open, echoing chasm of darkness & doubt. Well, I wouldn't know about the "passing through" part, as I'm a "childless never-married." Man, I can't wait to change that first part at least!
So, after the interviews, A was my first choice; after the "baby" pictures, I wasn't as sure, but B was awfully cute. So, I compromised with half-A & half-B, but why? Because all-A was too much of a commitment! Now, there's still uncertainty (besides the over-arching chances of conception in the first place -- maybe I'm distracting myself from this?) in who the lucky swimmer will belong to. It shook me a bit when, after my purchase, my mother finally got her eyes on the pics and had a gut preference for A. Really, A? But everyone (actually 3 people) were glowing about the cuteness of B!
The certainty of my mother's gut has been a comfort to many people, including me, but I'm doubting my choice, which is an uncomfortable spot to be in. I have the reassuring arguments on the tip of my tongue, but I can handle this discomfort. Apparently, the road ahead will be levels of discomfort not yet known to me -- maybe like being hungover on a daily basis? I am not deterred. The only person I have no concerns about commitment to is my as-of-yet hypothetical offspring, even if I have doubts about the source of half his/her DNA!