So, here we are at another full moon, which for me this year means a new TTC cycle. Tomorrow I go into the clinic for the first IUI after 2 failed at-home ICIs.
My newly-married 20-something niece just gave birth, my sister is on #3, and everywhere I turn people are turning up pregnant. Even my gay colleague down south, and my younger colleague on #2 out east. I don't remember having much feeling one way or the other about such news in the past. Now, it makes me want to throttle someone (ok, not my sister, but that's about it) and throw one royal pity party. At least I know the lesbian had to work for it like me, even though she has a partner -- no fair!
Like some of the other SMC women, I am simultaneously TTCing and dating, which brings its own complications. There is one guy in town "G" who I've seen twice. I almost unleashed a PMS rant on him before date #2 (which then would never have happened!), but was intercepted by a chatty out-of-town guy "PA" who has captured my attention. G is a nice distraction, light and cautious -- I'm seeing him again this week for our first meal. We'll see -- I am pretty sure he doesn't want any more kids (has 1 daughter) and may not even have a sex drive (if his profile answers are to be believed), so I don't feel conflict over my TTC since we may never proceed to romance.
It is that rascal PA that has my head in knots. He came on strong out of nowhere, touting my favorite author and band. I joined yahoo messenger to chat with him without giving up my primary chat address (where my status is my CD/dpo calendar), and found myself always looking for him and missing him. Ugh! I hate that feeling. He's charming and when we do chat, it's a lot of fun, but I find myself feeling possessive of this stranger. It's dangerous territory, and I've just changed my settings tonight so that I'm not logging in to messenger automatically. My ass was hanging out, and I felt like he was starting to avoid me (could be in my head).
In fact, I think PA's hidden himself from me on the dating site where he found me! (I think this b/c I don't see him in my visitors, plus I never see him as "online" anymore.) WTF? Also after some hot and heavy chat action over the weekend, I suggested a voice-sample exchange (almost like a phone call actually) but he said "maybe in a bit" -- whatever that means. This is where I usually get mean and try to push someone away to test their interest, but it's much like pushing on a rope when the other person isn't playing. I am starting to think he just wanted some cheap sex-chat. My over-interest is certainly not helping my case here.
PA's profile says he's not looking for anything long-term or serious (<12 months), and he's said as much, so what am I thinking? The kicker was when he said "I don't have kids, but I want them" when I finally asked if he was single, etc. I was thinking, "jeez, wouldn't it be nice to fast this forward to bearing his?!" This is the life of an SMC in the TTC phase. Sperm, sperm everywhere, but not a drop to inseminate!
Oh well, I have my lovely donor "A" on deck for tomorrow morning. My supportive friend "Ms. C" said she put my uterus under a healing green pyramid in meditation tonight, and that she envisioned a 2yo boy swirling around me, waiting to come in. Wouldn't that be something?! Thank goodness for my friends and family.