February 9, 2012

wait a minute, honey, gonna add it up

I'm being stretched very thin, to the point where even the subject of "first things first" is debatable.
I had a smooth at-home insemination event today after a rocky few days of wondering when I would surge and whether my N2 tank would be viable or overdue.  My body insisted on waiting for the full moon to ovulate, just like last time.

Between running to the cryolab to swap tanks, various non-reproduction appointments, and the insemination itself, I've needed flexibility in my work schedule.  Unfortunately, an apparent 5-alarm fire has my boss directing the secretaries to call me when I'm not responding with updates.  So, I've worked non-stop in my free moments, to the point of straining my back in my mindless, contiguous desk hours, and still feel delinquent.  That, and frustrating interactions with the under-boss have me at wit's end.

The truth is that this maybe-baby will be with me long after this job has faded into my CV.  It is also true, however, that I am counting on the job to get me and baby through our pregnancy and first year.  I don't think my position is in danger, so really the challenge is to adjust my attitude, try to be accountable, maintain my sanity, and work to manage my work relationships and mutual expectations.

When I'm doing my best, I don't think I should feel this guilty and inadequate.  I need to pray for the under-boss, the boss, and the whole situation.  I don't think I'm out of line to keep my TTC plans private at this point, but I also had a psycho-therapist and massage appointment, which are also private.  I have so many doctor's appointments, and yes I even invoked "urgent medical errand" for the tank swap (!), that my boss might wonder if I am seriously ill.

I am making a point to make time for the things that are good for me -- a new yoga class, social and community engagements, even an organized hike -- even when I could just keep working.  Managing time will only become harder going forward, so I am trying to develop better habits of prioritizing self-care and balancing life-work.

As for the "event" today, it went so easily compared to the first ICI.  I had preseed which made things stickier for the (washed) specimen.  I was surprised that this vial (donor B as opposed to donor A of ICI #1) didn't have the tell-tale smell like last time -- I hope that doesn't mean it's less potent or something.  This time I had a soundtrack -- after the thawing, warming, and injection, I used Violent Femmes' "Add It Up" for the stimulation phase and then switched to the Dalai Lama's chanting for the half-hour hips-up meditation.

All in all, it was a good day.  After 8:30pm, I forced myself to stop working so I could get out for a minute and then relax before bed.  I hadn't had a minute to breath for a few days.  Ahhhh, exhale...

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